Ever played that game of trying to work out who would star in a movie of your life?

Leaving aside the incongruity of anyone finding my life interesting enough to make a movie about it. Honestly, it would be fascinating watching a middle-aged woman arguing with her children, becoming hysterical over piles of laundry and mulling over what the hell to have for dinner.

Let’s imagine for a minute I actually achieve something mind-blowingly exciting in the near future. You know, I find the cure for cancer, climb a mountain that’s never been climbed before, walk unaided across the world’s biggest desert raising millions for charity (don’t bring up the treadmill incident obviously before I climb a mountain or walk across a desert I would figure out how to last longer than 15 minutes on a treadmill). Don’t kill the dreams people.

OK, now we have all suspended disbelief and accept I’ve done something amazing and Steven Spielberg is knocking on the door begging to turn me into a celluloid hero. First question I ask is can I write the screenplay? He of course says no. It’s probably best that way, I’ve never written a screenplay before and frankly if I’ve climbed a mountain I’m probably laying on my lounge surrounded by chip packets, lolly wrappers and soft drink cans and procrastinating about doing the most basic of activities like, you know, getting up to go to the loo. So finding the motivation to actually write a full length movie script is probably beyond me.

However, when it comes to casting I want total control. Without it I’m afraid I may end up with Roseanne Barr/Arnold/whatever the hell her name is now, playing the mother to my children.

I’m not unrealistic though, I accept Nicole Kidman and Cate Blanchett are out of the question, too glacial and together, and beautiful and stylish. They would never agree to the Target wardrobe and sometimes dodgy haircuts required to capture the essence of my being. Although, how realistic does this have to be? Can we go a Sass & Bide wardrobe and a good colour job from a celebrity hairdresser?

I wandered through the possibility of having an American attempt the Aussie drawl, Meryl has done it before in Evil Angels, but I’d probably want an actress closer to my own age or better still, younger. Could Gwyneth Paltrow manage it? C’mon I’ve raved about her cookbook, surely she could return the favour with an expert portrayal of my little eccentricities.

Alright, returning to Australian options. I’ve made a decision, I’m going with Rachel Griffiths. She’s dark-haired. We can get rid of that American twang she had to develop to work in US, somewhere deep in her psyche there’s still a few Aussie vowels we can re-establish. She’s got a sense of humour, I remember footage of her heading to the Oscars with two toilet rolls under her arms to stop sweat marks forming on her halter top dress. I also loved her in Muriel’s Wedding. So that’s my choice. Make note of it, just in case I fall off the mountain, and it turns out to be a posthumous movie of my life, it will be your job to write to Spielberg and say, “put down the phone to Roseanne, she wanted Rachel Griffiths to play her”.

Glad we’ve got that sorted.

Could this be why I never get anything done? Really have to learn to focus on the important stuff.

Who gets to play YOU in the story of YOUR life?

See, the likeness is uncanny, we could be twins.