After the great shopping disaster where I was unable to find a suitable outfit for “my body shape” I decided with just four months of my Project 44 challenge left I probably should tackle the one goal I hadn’t even attempted yet. The losing weight one.
The treadmill was unearthed from the garage when I first announced this goal, and has sat staring at me in my bedroom ever since. Bearing in mind the last time anyone in this family got on a treadmill it involved an ambulance, being airlifted to Sydney and a double heart-bypass (and he was the skinny, healthy eating family member) my reluctance to fire up the machine of death is understandable.
The first challenge was finding an extension cord to plug the thing in. After scouring various cupboards and still to be unpacked boxes I eventually stole the one connected to the fan heater, the dog, sitting in front of it, was not impressed.
The second challenge was discovering I don’t own any joggers/sneakers (whatever you like to call them). It’s been some time since I required anything faintly resembling sportswear. I made do with an old pair of rubber soled shoes.
The treadmill was purchased some ten years ago, used about three times, and from then on has simply stood as a twisted modern sculpture in living rooms, a useful clothes horse in bedrooms and a dejected dust collector in the garage. I didn’t think it would even start, but it appears the Gods are against me, because start it did.
I selected the easiest program, and the monster lulled me into a false sense of security starting with a grandma pace which I could have done standing on my head. Gradually though we gained speed. Still going OK. Still going OK. Still going OK. Hit the 15 minute mark and now the thing expects me to run! I don’t run. The knees gave out years ago, there is no way these babies can run.
Spinning through my head are images of fit, healthy people dropping dead during marathons. By now I’m sweating. Which I must say is an extremely unbecoming state. I wonder if I can jump off. Oh my God it’s going faster. Where’s the stop button? If I let go of the handles to reach the stop button will I fall? Where are my children? They want me to exercise, the least they could do is supervise me on the treadmill of torture. My legs are starting to burn. I’m puffing. What if I can’t breathe? Will anyone hear my whimpers for help? Suddenly my heart rate disappears from the monitor. That’s it then I’ve died, I’m clinically departed this world. Is my will up to date? Oh hang on I’ve just moved my hands off the part of the handle that monitors heart rate.
I admit defeat slam the stop button and crawl from the instrument of evil.
I did 20 minutes on the easiest program level and I think I may have seen a glimpse of the afterlife. Skinny is a long way away at the moment. The heart rate apparently didn’t go too high but an anesthesiologist once told me I had the pulse of a well-trained athlete, so that’s to be expected. Mr Shambles has something to say about that but it’s my blog and I get to edit comments which don’t gel with my interpretation of reality.
What are you doing for exercise lately?
Janine Fitzpatrick is a personal blogger with an untidy house, imperfect children and no celebrity friends.
Hilarious. I’m sure just a few more of those life-threatening 15 minute sessions on the easiest setting and you’ll be ready to take on Michelle Bridges. The only noticeable difference – your shoes.
Ohhh Michelle Bridges she scares me.
There’s something sad about a home treadmill that doesn’t get any use–it’s kind of like a Christmas tree that’s been pulled into the alley after the holidays are over. Good luck with your workouts!
That’s is a poor discarded Christmas tree.
This was hilarious Janine! I am a regular runner both treadmill and road running, but have never bought one for home – I like my running to be an excuse to get me out of the house
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I don’t know how you do everything with five children … I would never get out the house, let alone out of the house to exercise!
….even stepping onto the treadmill is a start…good for you.
Baby steps.
I feel your pain. I once thought it would be fun to go for a run with my dog, but my legs were in flames about a half a block into it. My treadmill gets used daily though….as a great spot to hang laundry. You might want to try that if the whole exercise thing doesn’t work out (no pun intended).
Yes it’s a very useful aparatus for holding clothes (that’s what it’s been doing in my bedroom for the past nine months).
I recently became the proud owner of 5 flights of stairs. I bought a house. And from basement to roof deck it’s 5 flights of stairs. 5. I think this is about all I can handle right now, especially since I’m still unpacking/settling. Best of luck to you!! I have faith in you
Wow you bought a house – you are all grown up now. Well done.
THat’s it then, I died. That had me dying. Found you at finding the funny.
Great fun! I can’t treadmill. It seems too much like the rubber road to hell.
Rubber road to hell – love it!
Like you, I’m pretty much absolutely sure working out on a treadmill will kill me. I always have my mobile next to me so that other gym members can call my next of kin! I remember discussing this with a big healthy male friend (who also happens to be an experienced doctor) and was so relieved to hear that he feels exactly the same thing! We’re not alone!!!
So glad to hear I’m not the only one.
That is such a funny description of what has always scared me about exercise!
oh goodluck! i was the same way but i discovered Tracey Anderson DVDs and for the first time my saddlebags are toning up!! ive lost inches everywhere and now look forward to doing half an hour to 40mins a day…it makes you feel alive! watching what you eat helps too…
Oh Janine! You poor thing. I’m relieved you didn’t really die ☺. I lost 24 kg last year and swear by the Tony Ferguson shakes, if you’re interested. Thanks for linking up with the POTMC. J x
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Wow 24kg that’s awesome, well done!