I’ve finally found a reality TV show I can participate in.

I’m disqualified from the building, home renovation shows, because lets face it after a decade of building a house which still remains unfinished and undecorated makes me instantly ineligible.

I’ve had more cooking disasters than successes, my technique is hit-and-miss and I’m lost without a recipe and even then I’ve got a tendency to confuse my tablespoons with teaspoons and end up with weird tasting concoctions.

I’m working my way up to biggest loser but I’m probably still a few kilos short.

But fear not. I’ve now discovered MY reality TV show. Goggle Box. People get filmed on their lounges skulling wine, polishing off potato chips and making snarky comments about what they are watching on the tele. It was MADE for me.

A camera in the corner of our lounge would capture the youngest daughter and I in our jammies. They would learn we are cranky with Home and Away, they’ve taken so long to work out who killed Charlotte we’ve forgotten who Charlotte even was.

It would show us arguing over Vampire Diaries, a misogynistic, violent series of inane stupidity, even if Damon does look like a young Rob Lowe. The children have started watching it after my bedtime so they don’t have to put up with my negative critiquing. My how times have changed.

Viewers would hear me swear at the cliff-hanger ending of Janet King last week, which meant I couldn’t go to bed until I’d done some deep googling to find out if they had really killed off a nice guy.

Through the crunch of the cheese and onion chips deep and meaningful conversations would be conveyed.

“Where’s the Apple TV remote?”

“We’ve got five of the bloody things, we can’t have lost them all.”

“Why am I paying for this streaming service when it’s showing me re-runs of old ABC shows I watched years ago for FREE?”

“Right, so that bloke is the killer, oh hang on it’s that guy, who is that guy, when did he come into it?”

“Stop yelling out the answers, I can’t hear the questions”.

“I don’t get why are the good shows on at 11.30 and we get repeats of repeats in prime time?”

“Why are we watching the news? It’s so depressing.”

See, it would be scintillating viewing, I could even be nominated for the Gold Logie, I’d be such a hit!