Dear Simon

I have to write to you because I got all angry and ranty on the blog and Facebook yesterday and promised my readers I would go back to writing funny letters to my dead husband today. So …. anything amusing happening up where you are? Does God have a sense of humour?

I have a big day planned, I’m cleaning out the study. Don’t you love the way I call it “the study” when it is so full to the brim of junk you can’t physically get into it? If I manage to do it I want you to send champagne. Not the cheap stuff. I want Veuve. I’ve developed a taste for it since my friend who is dealing with some pretty big issues decided we should drink Veuve, in the middle of the week, at lunch, in the local Chinese takeaway shop. Life is too short she says to save the good stuff for special occasions. Every day is a special occasion. So drink the Veuve with your sweet ‘n sour pork.

I realise I’ve cancelled all your cards so buying the Veuve could be a challenge, but I reckon you just need to wander over to the Catholic side of heaven, if anyone knows where the grog is stashed they will. I’ve never been to dry Catholic event. Doesn’t matter whether you are marrying, christening or burying, it’s all a good excuse for a drink if you’re Catholic.

Just so you know, I think Princess Child needs glasses. Yes,it’s my fault, everyone on my side of the family has glasses. We are going to the optometrist this afternoon. Dead dad, braces and now glasses, can life get any crueller for the kid?

Hippie Child has started Year 12 and so far so good, but we are only just into our third week. She’s even stuck up timetables and assignment details on her desk (and god forbid HIGHLIGHTED sections of them), I don’t know who she is anymore.

I’ve started buying flowers regularly, of course the house would look better if we just washed up occasionally and picked up our crap off the floor every once in a while. But instead I bung a vase of flowers into the middle of the mess and feel better.

Also, I’ve got your plaque sorted, I’ve just got to email “yes” to the proof. This double grave thing continues to be a problem. There were two options. One was the book plaque.

This cost $1200 to start and then another $400 or $600 when the kids need to add me in. But it’s gonna look a bit empty for the next 40 or so years (I hope). Also, you never really read books so it seems an inappropriate emblem.

The second option was

So a single plate for you which gets moved when I die. A couple of problems, we don’t have the same surname and that bit doesn’t move, and we have to chose the bottom statement to suit both of us. You know I’ve always been a bit wordy, and what I want to say about you is different to what I want to say about me. This came in under the thousand mark and with about an extra $400 when I join you (I think). So …

 

 

I’ve gone with a single plaque for $690 which will have to be ditched when I die. Which seems a bit of a waste. It’s still not exactly what I want is it? I want a single plaque which can be centred on the headstone until I die then moved to the left and mine (with my own name and listing my own special, unique qualities) added beside it. Why is that not one of the options? Why did I not ask that question? I need to make a phone call.

I just noticed you sent the birds to say hello again just as was getting all stressed about this, thank you, but frankly they are not much help. Just so you know, I’m really over making decisions.

Hasn’t this post turned out to be a rollicking good laugh for everybody?

Hope the weather is nice up there. Talk to you soon. The study awaits.

Love

Janine