Dear Simon

I need you to do something. Our friend Alex joined you yesterday. You need to find him and make sure he’s OK. He’ll be a little confused, given he’s an atheist and all, so the whole heaven thing might be a bit of a shock for him.

For the purpose of these letters I assume you are in heaven. (Although you did always have poor sense of direction, I really hope you didn’t take a wrong turn, refuse to ask for directions and end up somewhere very warm. Seriously, if you are feeling hot you really need to retrace your steps and ask someone which way is UP.)

Like I said, I refer to you in heaven because it’s just a nicer thought than the alternative. In reality I’m a crisis Catholic. When there’s a crisis I tick the box “Catholic” even though religion isn’t part of our day-to-day life. I think both of us would best be described as “unsure” when it comes to the afterlife wouldn’t you? Although I guess you’ve got a clearer picture now.

I’m finding myself on the other side of the fence trying to support our friend Lu. The shock, the confusion, it’s all written on her face just like I imagine it was on mine. Her children, younger than ours, one devastated, one too young to comprehend.

Alex was just 56. The random nature of death again stealing someone way too early.

After you died, Alex was tasked with finding the card for my colleagues to send me. He spent ages looking for the perfect one. The card he sent me beautifully expressed an understanding of grief.

In Your Own Time.

In Your Own Way.

Little by Little.

Day by Day.

When I was asked to attend a week-long training with colleagues just weeks after your death I was nervous about attending. Alex sat down beside me and made a smart-arsed remark, I told him off, he laughed, and I knew everything was going to be OK.

Our life seems to be lived with a surround sound of grief at the moment. It’s everywhere we turn.

The rituals of saying goodbye are again being prepared. It just all seems so unfair.

Take care up there. (Remember UP is the way to go). Tell Alex we’re looking out for Lu and the kids.

Love

Janine