Turns out decisions are a key feature of dealing with the death of a loved one. Quite frankly, it’s an endless stream of rapid fire questions, queries and instruction. When your brain has turned to mush and you are at your most vulnerable you are expected to come up with answers to questions you have never contemplated before.
The funeral home was a special agony of choices. Cremate or bury (turns out we had both put it in our wills we wanted to be buried – very useful), one plot or two? Seriously, I have to decide where I AM GOING TO BE BURIED! I’m not even sick!!!! Eventually I went for the double-decker option, they bury you on top of each other nowadays. So if I run away to the South of France and die a peaceful death there at 101 without the cash to get back to Port I’ll have a plot going cheap. Simon was a practical man as long as I recoup the cost he won’t mind who ends up on top of him.
Church? Let’s be clear here Simon wasn’t religious, but he would have put “Anglican” on the religion question on the Census. That proved a little difficult given we had never set foot in the Anglican Church in town. So I went with the Catholic (which I would put under religion in the Census). The girls are at a Catholic school and the School Chaplain is a lovely man. We were married in an Anglican Church because Simon loved it’s amazing pipe organ that could play during the service. His funeral was at the Catholic Church because it meant something to the girls (it also had a great computer set-up for the presentations). Marriage is a compromise people even in the “to death us do part” bit.
Flowers, went with Australian natives. The coffin, sent me over the edge, but got there in the end.
Then we got to music, Princess Child knew immediately she wanted Hunters and Collectors Holy Grail for the photo montage because it was the only one of Dad’s “old” songs she liked and the two of them used to sing it in the car. Throw Your Arms Around Me also by Hunters and Collectors was another favourite for both him and I so that was another easy one. Hippie Child’s friend sent her Sea of Love and she desperately wanted that to be the song she sang for him. He liked Van Morrison and I felt Into the Mystic was particularly apt. His other favourite musicians were INXS, Noiseworks, AC/DC, Cold Chisel, I couldn’t find anything suitable. Father James was being so accommodating but I think even he would have baulked at Highway to Hell as the farewell tune. I turned to Facebook and friends gave suggestions, I played them all to the girls and in the end they went with Time of Your Life by Green Day.
Is your head hurting yet?
We still had to pick readings, choose pall bearers, decide who was going to speak.
I’ve been especially kind to my daughters and have already written my eulogy for them – in What Will They Say About Me When I’m Dead but if they choose to go against my wishes they will have to come up with their own. I again turned to Facebook asking friends for their memories of Simon. Eventually I cobbled something together which I think gave a sense of his personality and our life together.
Since going through this mind-blowing experience I have discovered a great little book The Bottom Drawer Book – The After Death Action Plan by Lisa Herbert. It makes you think about what you want for when you die, with spaces to write in your wishes. It even has space for you to decide what you want done with your digital footprint when you are gone. Note to girls I want the blog and FB kept online – there is hours of work in these babies.
I’m going to fill Herbert’s book out for the girls because every decision I make now is one less they have to come up with when they are grief-stricken.
Of course after this roller coaster ride comes the paperwork.
So far I’ve needed:
- Will
- Superannuation documents
- Bank account statements
- Mortgage details
- Birth certificate for each child
- My birth certificate
- Simon’s birth certificate
- Marriage certificate
- Death certificate
- Credit details/statements for anything owing
You all need to read your life insurance/superannuation documents carefully. Turns out Simon’s life insurance halved when he turned 45, we should have been paying more attention.
Whatever amount you think you need to survive if you lose your partner, double it.
I’m still nowhere near done and have no idea what I’ll be asked for next but I’ll keep sharing here, so stay tuned! I’m going to get you guys organised (I know organisation advice from the chronically disorganised is a laugh but trust me we will all be sorted by the end of this I promise).
Ugh. That is so much to go through right when your brain doesn’t want to function. Your post is a useful reminder, though, to get our affairs in order! Thinking of you..
I have never heard of a policy that halved. Who plans to die young?! Perhaps you should name and shame that insurer.
For my Dad’s funeral we played “Don’t fence me in”. It was a favourite song of his. He was buried. It was only after the funeral, when the fog had cleared that we realised how inappropriate it was.
Thanks I really need to pull my finger out here and I think I’m going to get that book to get me to sort it out – because I know A won’t do it! 😛 I had to laugh when I read ‘So if I run away to the South of France and die a peaceful death there at 101 without the cash to get back to Port I’ll have a plot going cheap. Simon was a practical man as long as I recoup the cost he won’t mind who ends up on top of him.’ because I think that bit, is a lot like some other people that you and I know *wink* haha.
It’s a country boy thing.
Thanks for so generously sharing what you’ve learned from what been going through Janine, it’s true these are all things that many of us don’t want to think about until the worst happens, when we are least equipped for it.
When my brother died in 2010 I found that making decisions about the funeral was very healing – choosing the music & photos for the program, considering what to say, who should speak at the service, was a very precious time, it felt like he was still with me. I was his carer while he was dying, and organising his funeral felt like a continuation of that role; like the last thing I was able to do for him. I couldn’t stop him dying but I could give him the best send-off. So unless you have deeply held wishes about your cremation/burial, maybe on that side of things it can be a gift to leave the funeral decisions for your loved ones.
The most difficult thing was that other family members wanted it all to happen much faster than I was ready for. I think it’s important to take the time you need and not be rushed.
Finances, insurance & all that though are another matter! My Dad used to be in Legacy and having seen the sometimes devastating financial impact of a spouse’s sudden death on many widows & families, he instilled in us all the wisdom of making sure your affairs are in order – not that I really manage that quite as well as he did 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing. You are right, I am proud that together the girls and I created a beautiful funeral for Simon, and it felt really important for it to reflect him and show how much he meant to us all. You make a really interesting point that it can be a gift for loved ones to have that opportunity in planning your funeral. Where I think it helps to jot down some of the things that you love/matter to you to help your family with the decision making process and stop any potential misunderstandings between them. So true what you say about the finances etc – they are a special kind of hell that you really need to be on top of – as I’m discovering!!!
You are so right about jotting things down to prevent misunderstandings. As soon as I wrote that comment I remembered all the people I know who’ve had awful family arguments after a death – I’ve been so lucky to have a family that doesn’t do that.
Oh wow. That’s so many things, with so much paperwork.
When my grandmother passed away a few years ago my sister and I sort of took control of a handful of things – we wrote the eulogy and I sang at the funeral. Gram wanted “On Eagles Wings” to be sung because she liked when Josh Groban sang it. I knew I was going to bawl during it already and I just remember looking up and saying outloud, “really Gram? I don’t remotely sound like Josh Groban.” I made it through one verse before I was crying too hard to continue.
Also, my mother sent me a text message a few months ago telling me that she bought hers and my dad’s burial plots. There was an emoticon of a flower after the sentence. 21st century technology just hit a new level.
Good luck in finishing up the logisitics, hopefully you’re almost there. xo
You were so brave to get up and sing. Daneesha did a video with her singing for the funeral. I’ve put it up on the blog if you scroll down a few posts. I love that your mum is ahead of the game with the funeral arrangements and texting you the details!
My mother passed and left a few verbal instructions such as party, big event, music, she loved attention. However she left behind a narcissist son who drove me the executor crazy in my grief. . The biggest argument on the day was a open coffin, funeral parlour service and then go to crematorium for another service. I said no to the crematorium service as I know it would have been too much for those that loved her. (An open coffin is not an option at the crematorium. ). Please note ladies you may not want an open coffin, you don’t look your best! Cost me $14,000.00. Flowers selected from funeral director book $440.00. Urn I got 3 @ $295 each. A beautiful family vase would have been a better option. We have yet to scatter the ashes, a lot of nasty things were said at the time, our family has split. A lot of lovely memories were shared on the day, a pity those people did not visit while she was alive and so lonely.
Oh Linus I’m sorry it was all so difficult, my sympathies on the loss of your mother.