When the worst happens and a loved one is lost everyone finds themselves swirling in a storm of emotions.

When the person gone is young and the death unexpected everyone has to deal with their own personal shock and the feelings of fear it creates for their own life.

There is no rulebook for how you should behave when it’s your husband, father or loved one. There are three people in our house and three very different approaches to grief. There are days we hold ourselves together well, there are other days when we are in meltdown mode. Luckily we seem to taking alternate days for meltdown so at least one person in the house has it together at any given time.

Here’s a few things which have helped me throughout the (short) time we have been going through this process.

• Trying to get back into our “normal” routine sooner rather than later. School, soccer, singing lessons, tutoring, they gave structure to our life. That’s not to say there weren’t days we didn’t make it but we gave it our best shot.
• Saying yes to the invites for coffee, dinner, lunch. It got me out of the house and allowed me a chance to talk without worrying about the girls and how they were coping with the conversation.
• Going through the old photos and sharing them on Face Book, it reminded me of so many happy times and funny stories and the comments and “likes” from old friends made it a happy experience.
• Getting back to blogging. Writing my blog is providing connection and taking me outside my own experience and making think creatively and more clearly on what is happening in my life.
• Venting once a fortnight with a counsellor who has no emotional involvement in this situation.

Prior to Simon’s death I was familiar with Susannah Conway’s blog but now I’m re-reading with a new perspective, given that she too has dealt with profound grief after the man she loved died of a heart attack. I’ve also just found One Fit Widow which would be giving Simon a laugh, considering my complete aversion to anything health or fitness related but some of the discussion on her Face Book page has helped my reactions are not abnormal.

If you are trying to support a grieving friend this post, I Was Hurting and This is What Helped by Bec Sparrow captures beautifully the things which give comfort and support.

When you are faced with huge decisions from the second someone is gone having other people do things without being asked is a relief. Everyone was very respectful and checked with me about the big things they were doing but it’s so much easier to say “yes” or “no” rather than having to come up with ideas for what people can do yourself.

I received beautiful messages from people in the post and online and every one of them were special. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to say, just letting us know you cared and were thinking of us helped us feel loved and supported.

Most importantly, don’t give up on your friend, even if they knock back your invitations in the beginning, keep asking every now and then. Also, the whole grieving process gets harder before it gets easier so don’t disappear, keep in touch even after the funeral and life has supposedly gone back to normal. Our “normal” is very different now and as we come to terms with it our friends and family are keeping us going.