Disclaimer: This article deals with rape and sexual assault and may be triggering for survivors of abuse.
There is a huge online debate taking place at the moment in response to an article by Mia Freedman This Isn’t Victim Blaming. This is Common Sense where she argues we need to tell our daughters getting drunk could increase their risk of being sexually assaulted.
There have been a number of responses to the piece where the writers make it clear that nothing a woman does is to blame for her being raped. Smoking causes cancer. Alcohol doesn’t cause rape by Kerrie Sackville and Today in ‘What Mia Freedman has done now’ by News with Nipples both take the position that Freedman’s article was victim blaming and sending a dangerous message that if you just keep yourself sober you won’t get raped. While To the unconvinced: The perpetrators of crime are responsible for crime by Andie Fox and No Means No by Bianca Wordley don’t specifically cite the Freedman article but issue a strong message that rapists are responsible for rape not the victims.
Rapists are not usually scary looking strangers in dark alleys, they are often friendly workmates or relatives or neighbours or school friends (in 70% of sexual assaults the offender is a family member, friend, work or school colleague. Of the remaining 30% the offender is usually someone the victim meets socially or dates*).
Statistics show that one in five in women in Australia will experience sexual assault at some time in their life* and women aged 15 to 24 years are most at risk*.
So as the mother of a 16-year-old and a 13-year-old forgive me for being a bit concerned.
As a parent what is my responsibility here? If I tell my daughters that getting blind rotten drunk leaves you incapable of defending yourself or making reasoned judgements am I sending the message that girls who get drunk are asking for it? If I sign them up for a self-defence course am I telling them the world is a dangerous place and your friends who don’t learn to eye-gouge are obviously leaving themselves wide open to attack? If I suggest that wearing a skirt which shows your undies and a top which your boobs fall out of is unattractive am I telling them that girls who dress provocatively deserve to be raped?
I’m not parenting a two-year old anymore where I’m teaching them to “not touch” the hot stove, I’m not parenting a five-year old anymore where I’m teaching them about “good touching and bad touching”, I’m not parenting a ten-year old anymore where I’m teaching them about “stranger danger”. I’m parenting young adults, who I don’t supervise every minute of the day.
We are in a whole new world here. The idea of teenagers dying in car accidents is no longer a far-off, think about it later situation – it’s friends on P-plates – it’s her getting behind the wheel herself – it’s conversations about NEVER getting into the car with somebody who has been drinking and if you’ve had a drink yourself DON’T DRIVE – no matter what time it is CALL ME and I will come and get you.
Drugs are no longer worrying about if you can give another dose of Panadol before the four hours is up – it’s parties and serious stuff on offer and conversations about addiction to be had.
Sex is no longer picture books of What’s Happening To Me? – it’s boys in bedrooms and boy/girl sleepovers – navigated through conversations about safety, pregnancy and making good choices.
So why, when I’m sending her out into a world where one in five women will experience sexual assault is it wrong to outline the risk factors? Why is it wrong to say to my daughter that putting yourself in a position where you are unable to take care of yourself is making yourself vulnerable? Why is this not like the million and one other “safety” conversations I’ve been having with her since she was a two-year-old trying to touch a hot oven?
I hope that if she is drunk out of her mind she is surrounded by kind, caring friends who will get her home safely. I know the majority of men she meets will be decent blokes who would never consider harming a woman in any way.
As a mother I know I’ve raised daughters who understand that rape occurs because rapists do evil things not because a girl had a Bacardi Breezer too many or wore a sexy top. I know they know that because of the hundreds of conversations we’ve had over the years, because of the episodes of Home and Away we have watched and discussed, because of the things they have overheard their father and I talk about.
But as a mother it’s my job to make sure my daughters are capable of doing all that is humanly possible to avoid being in dangerous situations. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that somewhere in those years of helicopter parenting I have managed to instil resilience and self-awareness. That I’ve raised individuals capable of assessing a situation or a person and, if either make them uncomfortable, with the confidence and ability to GET THE HELL OUT. Sadly, as a woman I know that sometimes, despite all the precautions in the world, that won’t be possible
I think all teenagers, regardless of gender, need to be taught that binge drinking can not only lead to health problems in the long term, but can also contribute to both violent behaviour and risk taking…
This shouldn’t be a single issue or single gender warning – both men and women can exhibit violent behaviour when drunk – both men and women can exhibit risk taking behaviours, such as drinking and driving, or unprotected sex, under the influence of alcohol…
To limit the discussion to sexual assault, especially when the discussion is gender specific – is the problem with using alcohol as a victim blaming exercise.
Absolutely agree that alcohol is problematic for both boys and girls – limited my discussion to girls because that’s who I’m parenting I don’t have any sons. I also think there are warnings that need to be given to boys regarding sex and alcohol – they are vulnerable too.
The truth and your support with a few fact and figures. I had a similar thing with my daughter and she appreciated what I said. It is a sensitive subject and does need to be said.
Parenting teens seems to be an endless loop of difficult conversations.
I come at this from the other direction, as the mom of a teenage son. We recently had an interesting scuffle in the online community here in the US that stemmed from a mom writing a blog post in the form of a letter to the girls on her teen boys’ facebook and instagram feeds. While I agree that it’s disheartening to see young girls dressing provocatively, this woman (in my opinion) was slut-shaming straight up. She was basically saying, “If you post pictures of yourself in your jammies, my good Christian boys can’t be responsible for their response.” Uh. Yeah they can. It’s tricky isn’t it? We’re trying to raise our son to look at the girl beyond how she’s dressed. If she’s been drinking too much, we want him to see someone who is vulnerable and needs his help, not someone who suddenly becomes “available.”
I find I say, “Don’t be stupid,” a lot. 😉
I remember that piece and I agree it was slut-shaming and absolving boys of being responsible for their own actions. Yes all of this is tricky for mothers of girls and boys. You think it should get easier as they get older but it just gets more complex.
As a parent of three “young twenties”, I think one should speak openly with ones’s teenagers of both sexes about these matters. This includes (at the right age) talking about your concerns about inadvertently sending the ‘wrong messages’ by discussing your concerns.
I think part of the problem with the debate that’s been going on here is that there is a societal message that seems to suggest that if you are drunk or dressed in skimpy outfit or whatever you are “asking for it” which is of course wrong and victims and commentators see the original article as sustaining that message. However, in two years time my overprotected child heads out into a world where the possibility of sexual assault from someone she knows and trusts is quite staggering. That means she has to have the ability to judge people, read situations, make instinctive calls on how “safe” her environment is, developing those skills only comes with experience, but in the meantime how capable she is at that will be as a result of the conversations she’s had with her parents and friends and the limited opportunities she has had to socialise with others. Of course none of this protects her from an individual determined to do harm – it’s just a hope that her instincts might limit her exposure to the “opportunistic” rapist.
checking on you, janine! happy monday!
hello janine – hope all is well. thinking of you and your family.