Photo by David Fitzpatrick
People have been a little stunned when I announced I was taking a break from work for a few months to supposedly finish this book that’s been rolling around in my head for years. Will I be able to get work again when I’m ready? Who knows. Can we afford this? Definitely not. But I’m not doing this blindly I spent a decade at home when my girls where babies I know very clearly the pros and cons of “opting out”. I’m willing to give it a go this time around to try to fulfil one of my dreams and then I’ll settle back into employment until retirement … promise.
Here’s a piece I wrote about the “opting out” experience.
It comes as a surprise to me to discover I’m an “opt out” gal. Apparently this is a post-feminism phenomenon usually enjoyed by society’s elite and occurring after giving birth.
First documented in 2003 the “Opt Out Generation” were highly educated, mega achieving women who were happy to chuck in their well-paid, prestigious careers to stay at home with their babies. They took to their new roles with vigour and passion, orchestrating over-the-top birthday parties for the kiddies and running volunteer organisations as if they were a blue-chip company. Much to the dismay of old-school feminists they were proud to be refashioning a modern-day life taking full advantage of the “choice” feminism had provided for them. Their particular blend of articulate fervour was enough to get noticed by the New York Times Magazine, 60 Minutes and Time Magazine.
Recently New York Times Magazine revisited some of these women to find out how they were faring ten years on. There seemed to be a sense it hadn’t worked out too well for a number of them, marriages were impacted, divorces occurred, many ended up in a financial pickle, some found it difficult to re-enter the workforce. Were traditional feminists right to look a little smug and say I told you so?
As someone who did opt out I think it’s a little more complex than “shoulda stayed at work”. My decision to opt out occurred in a working class suburb of Brisbane supported by a tradie husband. 60 Minutes didn’t come calling because I was just an ordinary housewife ditching some moderately paid jobs.
My ten years of opting out came about as a result of circumstances as opposed to a great desire to embrace domesticity. A husband in the Navy when our first child was born meant long periods of solo parenting, with no family nearby to offer a respite to the childcare and inflexible workplaces it all meant returning to work was going to be challenging.
So I headed home, to the forty-year old, unrenovated three bed house affordable on one wage and concentrated on raising bloody good kids.
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. The process turned me inside out and upside down. I had no idea who I was any more. I was utterly convinced my life was over; these children would never grow up and on one particularly steaming hot weekday, standing in my desolate suburban street with no sign of any other life I was convinced the world had ended and, because it wasn’t announced on Play School, I hadn’t realised. I struggled with the isolation; I cobbled together some work-from-home in direct sales.
But opting out meant I was there for the major milestones. I didn’t have to ask anyone’s permission to go to the kindy concert, I knew the teachers and the classmates, and I was available when the children needed to talk. The usual childhood illnesses didn’t create a terror of losing work. We got to enjoy days of doing nothing, where my daughters made mud pies in the backyard and played under the sprinkler with no time pressure of needing to be somewhere else.
I was forced to rethink my identity, no longer linked to a job and in a desperate fight to not just be somebody’s mother. It was painful but progressive. It taught me resilience and creativity. It showed me it was possible to live a good life without being tied to the demands of a job and a boss.
There is no doubt it was financially difficult, and even today, seven years after returning to the workforce, it is clear I will never “catch up” in terms of superannuation or career progression.
My relationship with my husband still bears the scars of the stay-at-home years. Falling into the traditional roles meant it was difficult to revert back to our pre-baby equality even after I returned to work.
Yet this stage of my life taught me so much about who I am and what’s important to me. It made me stronger.
I wish everybody (with or without children, male or female) had the opportunity to take some time out and realise that life encompasses a lot more than just paid work and your identity is not reliant upon your employment.
We need conversations about the choices available; all voices need to be heard (without condemnation). Twenty years on we have the benefit of seeing the outcomes of a variety of choices. There are those who continued working full steam ahead, those who stayed at home and those who did a combination of both. Honest conversations about the experiences of these choices (good and bad) will help our daughters (and hopefully sons) make their decisions with greater clarity than we did.
Have you ever opted out?
Edit: Speaking of honest conversations on this topic I love this article by Lisa Endlich Heffernan from Grown and Flown on her decision to be a SAHM.
What a wonderful post. That line about Play School rings so true for me from a couple of years ago when I was locked to the lounge room with little ones. I am definitely an ‘opt out’ in that I opted out of paid employment for a period of time with each of my bubs. It was a choice, and involved a whole lot of compromise – it certainly wasn’t because I was so wealthy I didn’t ‘need’ to work. I’m now opting out of the conventional workforce by working part time from home. The money isn’t brilliant, but it’s helpful and I still get to spend time with the bubs. I think what you’ve said about honest conversations is really important. It’s all so black and white sometimes on this topic! Anyway, best of luck taking time to follow your dream and finish the book! I look forward to reading the finished product.
Thanks Lara, I do think that we have the benefit now of seeing how it worked out for women who did opt out and who stayed fully engaged and we are all honest about the experience it will be a lot more helpful for the women coming after us.
Hi Janine…as a non-Australian, employment was hard to get and so when my first was born, I just stayed home and looked after him. I did years of Family Day Care, Avon and other small earners during that time until my forties when I took a TAFE course and was in the workforce full time for two and a half years. At the end of that time I realised that it was not who I wanted to be and have been out of it since then, relishing being my own boss, setting my own timetable and routines. I have grown to appreciate all the freedom I had in raising my kids myself and being able to make friends and sustain good relationships in the community around me without having to work fulltime. Each woman’s life is different and the main thing is to find how you fit in and feel satisfied in your own community.
Very well said.
Hi Janine,
A thought provoking article.
I am a SAHM and have been for 10 years, I have been selling paintings in that time by word of mouth and just this week opened an Etsy store.
I got married young and had kids straight away (4 in 8 years) so I’ve never had a high paying job. Financially it’s tough, but life is short and I am hoping this was the best choice for our kids. Time will tell.
Liv xo
Good luck with your Etsy store. Being home does help you unearth your entrepreneurial spirit.
Great article. There is never a right choice or a wrong choice, simply a choice. As with decision there are pros and cons and should have and would of’s I’m just thankful today many of us do have a choice. Hopefully one day that number will be more.
Thanks Jodi, yes choice is very important.
I hear you. I chose to opt out nearly 2 years ago. It seemed a strange choice given that I worked while my daughter was young & stayed at home when she’s in her mid teens, but for us , for her, I think it ‘s the right choice. I’m following my dream of a writing career. I’m poorer, we’re all poorer, but as I’m more creatively and emotionally fulfilled, we’re actually happier. I’m fortunate to have a supportive hubby in a secure job, though. I wish you well. Dropping over from teh rewind.
I think they still need you so much as teenagers – it can be a bit frustrating! Good luck with following your dream too.
Really, really great and thought-provoking post, my dear. I’ve been reading those Opt Out articles with some interest and looking at my own life’s choices through the prism of those women and my own particular brand of feminism. I been an at-home mom a working mom and now a work at home mom, and the truth is that our family works best when some measure of my time is focused on domestic/family pursuits. Tending to those things (and things like making sure I could be there at school pick-ups and concerts) has always been of tantamount importance to me. And oddly, I find myself in a more traditional gender role than I expected. I guess to me that’s more curious than anything else!
I’m so excited about the current journey you’re on, terrifying though it may be. I’m working at getting braver. I just found an article about a guy who’s really opting out, as in leaving the news and social media for a year…now there’s a whole different take!
Yes, I was quite frankly shocked to discover myself in the traditional gender role – it was totally not expected! Keep your fingers crossed that I can get to the end of this journey with a book written and my insanity intact. No ditch that, willing to lose my sanity if I can just get a book finished!
Great post Janine! And good luck with the book!
Thanks Allison, particularly for all the wonderful information about writing you share on your blog and the Pink Fibro Club Facebook page – I am very much looking forward to the chat with a literary agent tomorrow night!
I once opted out of being in an a cappella group. Which was probably one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made. I haven’t opted out of working just yet – as a single girl with rent it doesn’t quite seem like an option just yet. Although I really like the sound of it, maybe I would be able to start my greeting card shop then.
Many women are taking the opportunity to start their own businesses when they find themselves at home with the kids. It’s probably a reaction to the inflexibility of traditional workplaces that women are attempting to create their own jobs with the inbuilt flexibility they need.