Vanity Fair has just released its list of best dressed, surprisingly I am not on it. I don’t know how they could possibly have missed my classic pairing of Mix trousers with Target tops. It’s all well and good to be considered stylish when your budget is unlimited but I’d like to see what those dames could do with a hundred bucks for a seasonal update!

I’m home from my four-day conference. Which of course required four days of outfits. In my last job we had company shirts which I wore at least a couple of times a week, therefore not much need for corporate gear. Since I embraced the life of the unemployed there’s been a lot of trakkie dak wearing and one day I even drove the kids to school in my pyjamas (thank god they are old enough to get themselves out of the car and into class). So faced with finding four days of “appropriate for public wearing” was a little bit of a stretch.

Turns out it was not without its wardrobe malfunctions. I forgot the black camisole which should go under my $25 wrap dress.  Without the camisole my size F hooters were difficult to contain in this slip, sliding wrap. There was even my very own Janet Jackson nipple-gate moment, but I’m hoping the gentlemen seated next to me didn’t notice as I hurriedly pulled dress, blazer and overcoat over my increasingly prominent cleavage.You know how fashionista’s suggest wrap dresses suit all body types – let me tell you they are wrong – my wrap dress makes me look eight months pregnant.

Then there is the issue of losing weight. I’ve lost somewhere between 3 – 5 kilos (I know that’s almost nothing but let’s focus on the positive I LOST WEIGHT) which now means half my trousers don’t fit. Unfortunately, my choice of outfit on day 4 included a knit top which I discovered on wearing has obviously been put in the dryer, it now needs to be stretched down frequently to cover my torso. So picture this top creeping up, trousers falling down. Me in crowded meeting room, sitting near the front, suddenly get coughing fit (not discreet throat clearing cough but hacking, can’t breath, lung is coming up cough) I madly clambered over people to get out of the room (note hands are full of handbag, tissues, and morning tea plate) pants falling down, belly showing, I’m a picture of elegance and professionalism. Thank you to the very nice journalism student volunteer who removed morning tea plate (allowing me to pull up my pants) and secured a bottle of water for me. Obviously a well brought up girl who had been taught to take care of the elderly and incompetent.

By the time I get to my Saturday morning five-hour drive home I’m in another shrunken knit (WHO IS PUTTING THESE THINGS IN THE DRYER) and loose-fitting trousers.  Locked in the safety capsule of my car secure in the knowledge my wardrobe issues are invisible to the passing motorists I sing loudly to the classic hits of the 80’s all the way home.