The last couple of weeks have been a dream run for ingrained sexism, misogyny and well just plain old-fashioned stupidity. We were treated to a “joke” menu referring to the PM’s genitalia, then a radio host hell-bent on quizzing that PM on the “rumours” of her partner’s homosexuality, the Army launched an investigation into “demeaning, explicit and profane” behaviour by Army members to women. Then there were the images of celebrity chef, Nigella Lawson, engaged in “a tiff” with her husband, which involved him placing his hands around her neck (he says “a tiff” others say “domestic violence”).
So frankly by the end of it all you had to feel a bit like being born a woman isn’t exactly an advantage in this world.
I don’t have any sons. I’ve spent the last 17 years in the world of pink ponies, sparkle and glitter. I’ve never got to experience the thrill of the Tonka truck or the joy of collecting matchbox cars. So I have no idea of what it takes to raise a boy. But when I hear stories such as the Army sex scandal I want to scream “How did these men grow up to think that was an OK way to treat women? What if it was their sister?”
I desperately want the mothers of sons to be raising a generation of men who will be willing to break down the gender stereotypes, who will treat the women in their lives well, who will take in equal role in parenting their children, who will argue the case in the workplace for flexibility, who will consider their female colleagues as equal.
Somewhere out there two women are raising the men my daughters will marry or live-with, or whatever. (Unless of course they turn out to be gay and that will be a whole series of other blog posts). I am so hoping they are showing their boys the video of the Army Chief giving the death stare to the troops and sending a clear message that if you want to behave like that there is no place for you in the Australian Army.
http://youtu.be/QaqpoeVgr8U
I want them to let their sons read the John Birmingham piece “A Shameful Week To Be A Man”. Just so they can see that it is OK to be a bloke and publicly support the women around them.
I want them to talk about respect and kindness and fairness and equality to their boys.
There have been times over the years of raising my daughters when I have held great hope for the next generation as being different to the ones who went before, then there have been moments of great despair as I witness and hear of behaviour that I hoped had been relegated to the past.
Despair attending an under 10’s football game and hearing the father’s on the sideline “stop crying, you’re not a girl”, “don’t be a mummy’s boy, toughen up”.
Hope when boys and girls played together in a soccer team and REALLY played as a team.
Despair when my daughter told me of the boy at school who wouldn’t let the girls play lunchtime soccer “‘because girls are crap and soccer” and then launched into racist abuse at an Asian boy on the sidelines.
Hope when another boy stood up to the offender and told him “you don’t talk to my mate that way, and the girls will play ’cause they are all better players than you anyway”.
Despair when Dads at soccer took their boys out of the club because they didn’t want another year of their sons having to play with girls (we were still in under 11’s at this stage).
Hope when the boys who stayed continued to treat the girls as equal team mates.
Hope when a teenage boy at a talk by Vietnam Veterans ignores the fun activities of dressing up in camouflage gear to instead sit and talk one-on-one with the quietest veteran.
Hope when boys are confident enough to dance and sing at the school disco (or rave or whatever we are calling it now).
Hope when a young boy can take leading parts in amateur musicals AND play on the soccer team without ridicule.
Hope when men are confident enough to be stay-at-home dads and even carve out their own “daddy blogging” niche on the internet.
Hope when mothers of boys write these awesome blog posts about raising their sons – check out:
As parents of boys and girls I hope all of us are making a difference. That the generation we send out into the world will be more confident in their choices, more comfortable to go against the stereotypes and more respectful of differences.
Are you raising boys? Please feel free to share your stories of being a mother to boys.
Excellent post. I have a 10yo son and a 14yo daughter and have a pretty optimistic view of the way most boys are these days. THere are exceptions of course. My son is definitely in touch with his feminine side having grown up surrounded by older girls. He used to get teased a bit but seems to be coming into his own more now and gets invited places by both boys and girls from school (some girls took him shopping with them last weekend). I find raising a girl more challenging as the media messages about what it means to be female these days are just so negative and unrelenting. She does get a hard time from some of the boys who appear to be less than evolved. Majority of her male friends are great though.
Thanks so much for your comment – I think that’s so interesting that you find raising a daughter more challenging because of the mixed messages.
Great post. As the working mum of two boys – 8 & 10 – who have girls in their football, hockey and soccer teams and a Dad who helps with both their care and housework, I fervently hope that they will grow into decent men who don’t even perceive a difference between the capabilities and value of men and women.
I think both boys and girls benefit from seeing men doing equal responsibility for the caring and housework.
Trying hard here with three boys, but as you so eloquently suggest the larger culture sometimes gives them a very different message. Wonderful post.
I think that is such a struggle for all of us trying to counteract the messages sent by the larger culture.
I’m like you – a house full of girls. But my 15yo daughter has many male friends and those who I have met are very impressive. She has a particular passion right now for calling out slut shaming, and she feels that generally the boys are more on her side than the girls.
Go the boys!
Sometimes I despair too. I despair when, while out at the local mall, my four year old son asks ‘Why is that lady only wearing her underpants?’ when he sees a shop front advertising women’s lingerie, women dressed provocatively and pouting. Advertising, ostensibly targeted at women, not-so-subtly teaching boys and girls that women should strive to be submissively coquettish, their bodies objectified and available. Go and look at your local mall and you’ll find all imagery out there does this to women. It’s everywhere and it’s so steeped in our culture that we don’t even notice it. I just thank Christ my four year old boy has the intelligence, perspective and wherewithal to question it and remind me to open my eyes and question it too.
There are definitely challenges in raising girls too!
the leaf does not fall far from the tree.
janine, i have a son, and he is turning out a lot like his father – respectful, helpful, not perfect – but lovely and loving. we’ll see. we have a lot of peer pressure and media to get through before he is grown, but so far, so good.
happy new week!
I’m a bit behind on your blog as I’ve been so busy of late. This particular post really hits home today as I’ve had a drama filled weekend that is both frustrating and aggravating. I’ve raised 3 girls and their older brother. I’m proud to say my son will be 29 in August and has turned into a wonderful respectful kind caring young man. My girls are also amazing young ladies but I’m finding that it’s frustrating when you see the men they spend time with. My youngest daughter has been mistreated both mentally and physically by a young man I had thought the world of and its so very frustrating knowing that a lot of the issues this young man deals with are brought on by another single mother who instilled some beliefs and habits that obviously cause a lot of distress for him. It’s very difficult to care about a young man and the path he is headed towards and yet wanting to hurt him the way he has hurt your daughter. Life is so frustrating and difficult when all you want is what is best for your kids!
I’m so sorry to hear that Kim. I hope your daughter can find her way through this difficult situation. What do they say? Bigger kids, bigger problems?? It isn’t easy this mothering gig, whatever age they are.