Once when I was a mother of a newborn and a toddler a mother of teenagers said to me “you know I think they need you around more when they are teenagers than when they are babies”. As I wiped pooey bums, worried about delayed speech development, monitored TV consumption and agonised over the nutritional value of a diet consisting solely of peanut butter sandwiches I thought the woman was MAD. How could self-sufficient teens need you around? Wasn’t the natural order of things that they wouldn’t want you interfering in their lives? As teens no longer needed babysitting wouldn’t that mean you got a chance to get your life back? Focus more on work?
Well fast-forward some twelve years and here I am the mother of TWO teenagers. I seriously don’t know how that happened. Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a teenager myself? Oh that’s right there’s an invitation to my 30 year school reunion on the fridge, obviously adolescence was a while ago.
Turns out that mother back in 2001 was right. Teenagers do need you more than babies.
A baby has specific needs that have to be met, they need to be fed, cleaned, loved and cared for, but in reality they aren’t too fussy about who is changing their nappy they just want it done.
Teens need someone to be PRESENT when they are ready to talk. Often, that doesn’t neatly align with your schedule but somehow you have make an effort to be there to engage about the multitude of issues racing through their head on any given day.
Over at The Kids Are All Right forum there is presently a discussion going on about being a working mum with teens a number of the respondents are looking at working from home as an option as their children get older.
As Anne-Marie Slaughter explained in her infamous essay Why Woman Still Can’t Have It All it was the pull of family, in particular the challenges of raising teenage sons that saw her give up her foreign-policy job at the State Department to return to the more flexible working arrangements of academia.
On a Wednesday evening, President and Mrs. Obama hosted a glamorous reception at the American Museum of Natural History. I sipped champagne, greeted foreign dignitaries, and mingled. But I could not stop thinking about my 14-year-old son, who had started eighth grade three weeks earlier and was already resuming what had become his pattern of skipping homework, disrupting classes, failing math, and tuning out any adult who tried to reach him. Over the summer, we had barely spoken to each other—or, more accurately, he had barely spoken to me. And the previous spring I had received several urgent phone calls—invariably on the day of an important meeting—that required me to take the first train from Washington, D.C., where I worked, back to Princeton, New Jersey, where he lived. My husband, who has always done everything possible to support my career, took care of him and his 12-year-old brother during the week; outside of those midweek emergencies, I came home only on weekends.
It came as a surprise to Slaughter to realise that she wanted to give up her dream job.
But I realized that I didn’t just need to go home. Deep down, I wanted to go home. I wanted to be able to spend time with my children in the last few years that they are likely to live at home, crucial years for their development into responsible, productive, happy, and caring adults. But also irreplaceable years for me to enjoy the simple pleasures of parenting—baseball games, piano recitals, waffle breakfasts, family trips, and goofy rituals. My older son is doing very well these days, but even when he gives us a hard time, as all teenagers do, being home to shape his choices and help him make good decisions is deeply satisfying.
It has come as a shock to me just how much is required as the parent of a teen, and I’m not just talking about the endless driving between activities and outings. I too thought I would be able to focus more on work as my kids got older but it seems you have to be very present when you are dealing with modern-day teens who are facing a world far different to the one we grew up in.
Raising teenagers requires a mental dexterity that my aging brain is struggling to compute. You have to think carefully before you react to anything that is said or done ’cause it only takes one false move to sever the vital line of communication that is the only thing that stands between you and a nuclear winter.
Just this week alone in our household, there have been conversations about teenage suicide, depression, self-harm, cyber-bullying, the pressure of exams and the use of social media. You think if your kids aren’t experiencing these issues first-hand they won’t impact on your family but sadly, even in a regional town, my children know teenagers who are suffering. You have to be available to talk these problems through as they struggle to process what they are seeing around them.
My children are considering banning me from the internet because I read things and then insist on have conversations about them. This week I read this post on Mamamia where a mother struggled to deal with her young son being cyber-bullied on Facebook. Apparently there is a F*ck, Marry, Kill game where you post photos of school mates and people have to tag whether they would F*ck, Marry, Kill that person. The post also described some pretty disgusting images which are being circulated.
The conversation I forced them to have with me involved some reassurance,
“Mum, why are you saying this to me? Do you honestly think I would tag someone’s photo that I wanted to kill them?”
“I’m your mother, it’s part of the job description, I have to say these things, so I can tick it off that I’ve had the discussion”.
It also highlighted some concern with my younger daughter feeling like maybe she should share some of the images that pop up because it says bad things will happen if you don’t. We’ve sorted that out.
It also forced me to realise my children were aware of some pretty revolting videos that are being shared, even if they haven’t watched them, they certainly have heard of some of the images they contain.
To think I once worried about the sexualisation and gender stereotyping of playing with Barbie dolls! Come back Barbie all is forgiven!
A social worker friend once told me that she sees children from all types of homes and backgrounds the biggest uniting factor in the development of problems was a lack of communication. So I guess even if we are disagreeing, even if they are reluctant or embarrassed by some of the conversations, even if we are all tired and cranky, the fact we are still speaking to each other is a sign of hope.
If you can keep your kids talking to you there’s at least a fighting chance of getting through these years without complete annihilation. But jeez it seems hard. As you juggle work, managing a house, after-school activities and weekend sport finding the time to put aside your own exhaustion and sit and connect takes ingenuity and dedication.
How difficult do you find it to be a parent of a teenager? Or are you breezing through?
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not if you keep a sense of humour, don’t panic they come back to their true self in their twenties, keep telling yourself,” this too will pass”, it they don’t gp through this stage now, they will do it at thirty
Yes humour is vital. And I’m now wandering my house muttering “this too will pass” on random repeat.
ha- now you will survive
Oh Janine, I relate so much! Totally agree about the communication. I don’t remember my mum (or dad) being the “go to” person for me to talk about things with. Perhaps they were, and I just don’t remember. I remember talking to friends a lot. One thing I’ve noticed with my teen’s friends is they don’t seem to be as supportive of each other or as loyal as my friends were in high school. Loved this post – oh, and the mental exercise of trying to say the right thing! Who needs Sudoku or Nintendo Brain Age!?
We parent so differently to our parents. I don’t know how much of that is us being over-involved and how much of is to with the the way the world has changed so dramatically in just a generation. And don’t get me started about girls and friendships!
I wouldn’t say it is easy but I laid a lot of groundwork when they were younger, teaching them to think critically, to be strong in who they are and to build trust and that has definitely paid off. It’s not all smooth sailing but having those lines of discussion open from early on has really paid off.
You are so right Lila. Sometimes when people tell me my kids are great I think to myself “it was bloody hard work to get to this point” there was a lot of time and effort involved when they were younger, which is why we are able to talk now, even if I’m finding it challenging given the nature of some of the issues being raised.
I love this post Janine and yes I find parenting a teen very hard work.
You are so right about keeping the communication lines open and them needing you there when THEY want.
Often when I say I am worn out and people say to me …but you only have a teen to worry about, I say to them that a teen is not so much physical work as they are emotional work.
I can reassure you it is all worth it in the end when you have made it through those tough high school years and have the comfort and peace of mind of an amazing young adult sharing their precious thoughts with you.
Whether they be good,happy bad or sad thoughts at least you can be there to offer a voice of experience knowing they respect your opinion enough to be open and share with you.
Every open conversation you share is a stepping stone to a very special bond.
Your teens are very lucky to have a mum who is so understanding and who always has an open heart along with open ears to hear what they have on their mind.x
“a teen is not so much physical work as they are emotional work” YES. I thought the physical work of raising baby was gonna kill me but in the end this emotional turmoil might be what does me in. I feel like I’m always strategising to try to keep one step ahead of the latest issue!
No stage of parenting is easy. Our children are 20-somethings now and we thoroughly enjoy them. Teen years were fun for us – they were self-sufficient, we had great conversations. Middle school was the toughest, where you send a polite, well-mannered fresh-faced child to school one morning and get back a snarly, sullen pitbeast in the afternoon. Fortunately that stage didn’t last long and they didn’t go through it at the same time. As long as you have a lifetime of love that will see you through just about any storm.
Great post and totally agree with you. We have recently engaged an afterschool “babysitter” ostensibly to look after our 10yo at home after school. Part of the reasoning was that it would also be company for the 14yo who we didn’t want spending long hours home along but is “too old” for a babysitter herself. My husband has also got a job locally so he can be home more. We have also had the friends self-harming, suicide of an acquaintance and thinking that things like sexual experimentation, drinking and drugs are probably not that far away.
Oh and I had my first teenage “I hate you so much” the other day because I made her get her hair cut to just below shoulder length (she had headlice and it was impossible to deal with with her thick hair past her shoulder blades). Sigh.
It is so hard when you are working isn’t it? I’m lucky to finish work at 4.00pm so can be home by 4.15/4.30 and the girls are only home just before 4.00 so they don’t have long at home alone. It is hard to convince older children that it’s not a “babysitter” just someone to help with younger kids, get dinner ready etc. But I think an added bonus is having someone there to notice if they’ve arrived home out-of-sorts and being able to lend a friendly ear if necessary. It’s all a logistical nightmare though isn’t it, I know if I end up in a job with a later finish time, my husband will have to finish work on time every day.
hello janine, you know i teach full time, and have two children – one of whom we are teaching to drive this summer. time is the thing. i am always looking for time together – in the car, at the store, just anything . and then listen. also for my younger child, restricting internet access when i am not around. two issues i’m always working, too, are nutrition and sleep. teens need lots of sleep, but stay up late and school starts early.
also, thanks for your comment about the beauty of sorrow.
happy weekend, n
Yes Hippie Child is learning to drive at the moment, I’ve completely handed that over to the husband, I gave BIRTH he gets to teach her to DRIVE. It’s only fair. Sleep is a huge thing isn’t it, even when you send them to bed (and remove all online devices) they still sometimes stay awake for ages. Re comment on beauty of sorrow – I did write a bit of a blog post didn’t I?
what you wrote was lovely. you might think about blogging about that topic someday, but only when you need to. life is a journey, as they say. also i’m happy to give driving lessons! i adopted my child, so maybe that’s why?
joy to you!
There’s a f*ck, marry, kill game? Goodness gracious. What is this world coming to? I don’t remember being that difficult of a teenager, but maybe I’m wrong… hm…
I don’t think the kids are any more difficult than they have ever been but I think the world has changed so much and social media is putting new pressures on teens (and their parents trying to police it’s use). It’s incredible to think about the changes even the short time since you were a teen.
It is scary for a teen dealing with teen depression, it can be a simple episode that they’re upset over a breakup. Or, it can be a constant depression that can destroy lives. As a parent of two preteen boys I keep an eye for warning signs that mine may have teen depression … The scary truth about teen depression