It’s taken me two weeks to recover from a very tough weekend.
I wasn’t going to write about it but I’ve decided it is a community service announcement for mothers who are currently worried about inconsequential things like sleep patterns, nappy rash and bottle versus breast.
People you need to be PREPARED. One day you will be facing down teenagers. Teenagers who will present rational, logical arguments and unless you have got yourself armed with counter-arguments you are going to crash and burn in a dramatic fashion.
So to help you out lets work our way through one situation. The boy/girl sleepover.
The Hippie Child has been invited to a birthday party. It’s a sleepover. No problem there. I’m thinking singing into hair brushes, doing each other’s hair, eating rubbish and watching scary movies. Then she drops the bombshell, the boys are staying over too.
Now my parenting style involves complete trust while removing any and every opportunity for ANYTHING to EVER OCCUR.
I voice my concerns. She responds calmly, reasonably, with well-thought out points. I’m out-of-my-depth.
So I do what any self-respecting modern parent does. I turned to Twitter.
All right Twitter – do you allow 16 yo girls to go to sleepover party where boys will be staying over too (inc boyfriends)?
— Janine Fitzpatrick (@ShambolicLiving) May 11, 2013
My tweet hasn’t drawn a response from my friend Rachel, who runs the parenting teens website The Kids Are All Right, she’s obviously off having A LIFE, completely unaware I’M IN CRISIS. I search her site, she’ll have dealt with this I’m sure. She has, but she held the boy/girl sleepover! OK the kids where 14/15, not “going out”, and she supervised with spot check toilet runs during the night through the out-in-the-open lounge where the sleepover was taking place. But still I’m standing alone on a rapidly sinking raft.
Then I get a response.
@shambolicliving No. I would not let my daughter or son do that. — Roland Martinez(@wildpokerman) May 11, 2013
Hallelujiah. I’ve got someone on my side.
@wildpokerman Great, you are now officially my wingman, I will be arguing that I am not “the only parenting saying no”. Roland says no too. — Janine Fitzpatrick (@ShambolicLiving) May 11, 2013
I return to the battlefield. It doesn’t go well.
@wildpokerman OK I said Roland agreed with me, she said who’s Roland,?I said a bloke I met on the internet. Credibility took a hit. — Janine Fitzpatrick (@ShambolicLiving) May 11, 2013
Her exact words where “you cannot be serious, you are taking parenting advice from Twitter!”
Then this arrived.
@shambolicliving @wildpokerman was a bloke I met online while living in Oz and I married him!Does that give him more credibility?! — quiltamomma (@quiltamomma) May 11, 2013
I so want to know the background to this story! But there’s no time. I return with my evidence that Roland isn’t some crazy person, he’s got a wife. “Mum, let’s think this through, these people are STRANGERS. What do you tell me about giving personal details to strangers on the internet?” Even showing their mother’s day photo with their kids doesn’t sway her.
Another vote of confidence arrives.
@shambolicliving hahahahahaha no.But that’s because of what I was like as a teenager, no reflection on your child. — Lila Wolff (@LittleWolffBlog) May 11, 2013
Lila gives me permission to use her as an example of why boy/girl sleepovers aren’t a good idea. Now I have no idea what Lila actually got up to as a teenager, but I’m a creative person and trust me I made it good. Too good. “So this, another STRANGER, told you all this on Twitter? Don’t you only have a certain number of words on Twitter?”
Kim (whose children are still young) has got nothing to offer me except sympathy.
@shambolicliving NOT looking forward to that — Kim Abbate (@workingwomenaus) May 11, 2013
So I leave her terrified of the future, while my husband takes me aside to have a quiet talk. There are words like “over-reaction”, “creating problems that don’t exist” I respond with “naive”.
He calmly explains that I’ve already put the boyfriend through the hoops. I’ve made him endure not one but two family dinners that included Grandma, Nana and Aunt Dorothy plus cousins. He’s been grilled on his future plans and his school grades (turns out he’s very bright). Husband concludes with “frankly, my plan of meeting him at the front door with a rifle was more humane than what you’ve put him through”.
Hippie Child remains calm, polite, seems to accept that she’s not going to break me, even though my arguments have now degenerated to “’cause I said so”.
It would have been easier to stand my ground if she had of sulked, yelled and argued. Unfortunately, her display of maturity kinda supported her argument that she was a trustworthy. So I cave, I still don’t think it is a good idea, but I know and trust the supervising parents and I have to accept that it’s not going to be long before my daughter is out in the world making her own decisions.
Then the 13-year-old Princess Child announces she’s been asked out on a date. Is there no end to this hell?
So sorry Janine, I didn’t realise all hell had broken loose. But I LOVE this post. It’s so … just so … perfect. And terrifying. Good luck!
I am EXHAUSTED. I don’t have the stamina for this parenting teenagers. She went to the sleepover and of course it was all OK. But seriously how hard is this gig??
Love this one, I am about to host my first mixed sleepover with 3 couples aged 15/16. Like your daughter, my girl assures me that nothing will happen, which I believe is true. I let her go to a mixed sleepover earlier this year & indeed all was well.
Ally you are brave woman. May the force be with you.
Oh my goodness I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you in your hour of need! But here’s a tip – I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING EITHER!!!!
When I held the sleepover for 14-year-olds, I thought it was probably the last time I could do something like that. But with our next birthday the 16th, I probably would again…IF it were the right people. There are a bunch of the teen’s friends I wouldn’t do it with, and a bunch I would.
It sounds to me that you handled it well – she knew your concerns, and yet you chose to trust her. And she fulfilled her end of the bargain.
And yes, this parenting gig SO is hard. It’d better be easier with the next two coming through.
I’m shocked that you were probably off doing Mother’s Day stuff instead of sitting on Twitter! Speaking of the next ones – my youngest is watching closely what’s going on – she argued quite hard for her sister (apparently they were skyping and messaging each other on all this technology – they had a STRATEGY). Obviously I’ve now set a precedent which is going to be very hard to go back on when the Princess wants to do the same thing!!!
Oh Janine I hear you loud and clear.
My girl is 19 and the dramas and dilemmas have not stop since day one of her turning into a teenager.
Everytime I think we have everything sorted up pops another thing we have to deal with.
It was so very different when I was a teen and I never thought it would be so trying and the worry for them…only gets worse.
Open communication is so important through these years and all we can do is try our best and go with our gut feelings.
Thank you Deb – your success at wading through this is my inspiration.
Why do you think I have moved to the middle of nowhere – lol? Planning on keeping my kids locked up and isolated till they are at least 20!
A great plan Jo.
I am really terrified of the teenage years! It feels like my 9yo is already there some days and Mr4 is a little old man. Sleepover parties – EEEEEEK!
Just tweet when the time comes, I’ll be standing by with support.
Thanks for reminding me just how easy I have it with my anti-social teens! I honestly think the difference between letting them go or not go hinges on how safe the situation is (which you checked) and how your relationship is with them. Most bad decisions by teens have a lot to do with inattentive parents which you clearly aren’t.
I think my kids would appreciate a more inattentive parent at times.
Cool post. Just so you know my advice is purely theoretical since the oldest is 12. I have yet to endure the onslaught of teenage arguments.
It’s a rapid slide once it starts Roland, you are on the edge of the precipice! Don’t worry I’m just a tweet away for you and @quiltamomma when the time comes! Unfortunately, I suspect given your love of books and blogging you are probably making my mistake and raising highly articulate children – it comes back to bite you on the bum let me tell you! I’m ignoring her dreams for a career in art or music and am enrolling her in law school – the way that kid argued her case she should be in a courtroom.
I’m not sure how I deal with this. Thankfully Boy Child is 14 and the situation hasn’t arisen as yet. Glad it went well.
Good luck when the time comes.
In middle school I wanted to go to a co-ed sleepover that was a lock-in at my friends church – a co-ed sleepover… at a church. I wanted nothing more than to go to this sleepover. I loved these people, I loved being with them, I loved getting to share good times with them. And GOODNESS did I want to go to this sleepover. I asked. I asked again. I kept getting no. I realized I needed to be more strategic about it. I made a PowerPoint presentation about it. The answer I got was still no. I cried when my dad picked me up early that night. Honestly, I would have been a perfectly behaved child and just really wanted to be there – and if you say that hippie child and I are similar, I think that you made an okay choice.
You made a PowerPoint you were soooo dedicated!!!! Thank you for supporting my choice, but I gotta say I do admire your parents for not caving under the pressure of a PowerPoint presentation!!