This article has got people talking on social media The Retro Housewife. It paints a picture of educated, intelligent women ditching the board room to stay-at-home and raise children in between craft activities and baking.
I stayed at home for ten years. It looked nothing like the pretty images of instagram and homemaking blogs.
In my retro housewife years this is what we discovered:
1. An untidy person left at home all day does not suddenly develop the ability to create a pristine home with everything in its place. Instead they just make a bigger mess because the ARE HOME ALL DAY. I’m allergic to housework, no really I had tests done, I risk my LIFE every time I try to tackle dust, mould and cleaning products. One particular bathroom cleaning frenzy induced such a violent fit of asthma coughing I could have DIED! My health DEMANDS I leave the dust and dirt undisturbed.
2. The only time cupcakes were made in this house was when the six year-old and three year-old took it upon themselves to make them unassisted. I was busy on the computer. They did such a good job husband thought we have bought them.
3. Home decoration was the responsibility of the three year-old who painted the kitchen pink. I was busy on the computer. It was an ugly kitchen the pink was an improvement.
4. I did learn to cook during these years in the wilderness. Unfortunately I excel at the “big” events, a lunch for 20, I’m your girl. It is the tedium of DAILY cooking for PICKY eaters where I fall down. I don’t know who decreed baked beans on wholemeal toast as a healthy meal, but I’m sure I read that somewhere and my god did I embrace it. It became a staple on the menu plan.
5. I never learnt to sew or knit. The husband knows how to do a hem and sew on a button from his Navy days. That’s all we need.
6. Aside from scrapbooking, which has a purpose of telling the family stories, I was unable to develop a love of craft. Anything involving a glue gun or a shopping trip to Spotlight confuses me. Why?? What is the purpose of all this effort??? It seems such a low return on investment.
So in terms of the Retro Housewife thing I was a complete failure. Yet my stay-at-home years were my time for reinvention, rediscovering and resilience building.
As it turned out it was just a single chapter in an ongoing life. At the time I thought it was the end of my life. Yet I would go on to find that I would get employed again. I would return to the workforce with a whole host of new skills, a clear sense of who I am, my strengths and weaknesses and most importantly what I valued the most in the world.
It was a time of learning that paid work does not an identity make. Contributing to the world can come in many forms. Raising children, working on the P&C, spending time working with a slow reader in the classroom, helping your elderly neighbour with their weekly shop are just as valuable an input into society as turning up at the office each day.
When you break out of the daily grind of commute, work, commute, when you experience life from the isolation of the suburbs you are forced to rethink your beliefs. Looking at the world from a different perspective is healthy. I think that applies whether you have children or not. I believe EVERYONE can benefit for taking some time out.
While the bickering has begun on the idea of the “retro housewife” I wish we could get to a point where we see the value in both staying-at-home and taking part in the workforce. Each delivers benefits to a person and it is important to remember that (if you are lucky) your life will be long enough to enjoy a variety of experiences. There will be times where “leaning in” is important there will also be times when “opting out” will be rewarding and renewing for your personal growth.
Rather than trying to recapture a bygone era, I think the millenium housewife should market herself as a whole new breed. These women are juggling the school run with creating new business models in their work-at-home self employment, they are volunteering their former corporate skills within their local community and experimenting with new ways of melding motherhood and life.
Who knows perhaps one day their contribution will be seen as an important development in the feminism debate?
Staying-at-home is financially challenging (trust me we made huge sacrifices, my husband is a tradie, we weren’t doing this on a white-collar income), therefore it’s not an option for many. The majority of women aren’t working for personal gratification but to put food on the table and roof over their children’s heads. So for those who do get the chance to be at home I hope they don’t waste time arguing about who is the better parent but instead take the time to create new ways of building financial security from the kitchen table or leaving their community better for having had them engaged for a little while. If they do return to the workforce I hope they remember their stay-at-home experiences and go on to challenge the inflexible working practices and structural barriers to women (and men) combining parenthood and career.
To those who believe the retro housewife is a bad, bad thing. Please take a breath and consider why is it happening? Perhaps we need to look at why “having it all” has gone a bit pear-shaped. The conflicting demands of children and career is not yet sorted out. Deciding it’s too bloody hard and taking a break is not necessarily the end of the world. After all wasn’t “choice” part of the feminist battle? Let’s not knock anyone for electing to take up a “choice” even if it is different to the one you would make.
I haven’t been reading anything on social media about this. Your FB status update was the first I heard of it. I read the article and now your blog post. Very well said. I signed up for the ‘retro’ housewife tag. Hell, that’s what I was born to do. What I didn’t expect was my spoilt, irresponsible husband to want his financial and parenting freedom so he left. We were already living on the smell of an oil rag, which I LOVED. I love doing it tough as it forces us to live on what we need and not what we want. I’ve been doing it even tougher since he left in Jan last year but have loved the challenge. I’m now forced to have to go to work by the government and give up my dream of being a SAHM all together. I’ve adjusted and this is just another phase in my life. I’ve learnt many times in my life that you sometimes don’t have control over what happens. You’ve just got to roll with the punches. Great post.
Anne xx
Thanks for your comment Anne. I love your attitude to life, thriving on frugality and rolling with each new challenge thrown at you. Good luck with the next chapter of work/family.
Thanks Janine. I meant to say my ex-husband’s financial and parenting *obligations* but you knew what I meant! LOL Thanks xx
I found the coverline on that story sexist, especially for a newspaper edited by a woman, but maybe I was being too sensitive?
I think housewife is a completely outdated term. I also don’t think the modern stay-at-home mum is that retro, even if she is baking! But I think the trend of staying at home is a happening thing, and I think we should pay more attention to why, without judgement. I wish people could see the benefit to enjoying a range of experiences in a lifetime, ’cause I actually think a lot is to be gained from taking a step away from the workforce even if only for a short time.
Oh I’m not knocking the concept, it’s the “boardroom for bakeoffs” line that bugs me.
Maybe I’m too easy going, the headlines didn’t bother me so much, although I did find the apron-clad photo a bit much!
Hi Janine,
Great article!
You know, one of the things that I think that the average family may forget is that even if the husband is working outside the home, he may not be “pursuing his career” but might just be going to work at an unglamorous job that he has to go to in order to put food on the table.
At our house, we have always viewed my being able to stay home and work on my freelancing as a luxury. What’s more is that my husband would love to switch roles with me and be a stay-at-home dad! (He’s be better at it than I am, I have a similar cleaning/cooking disability but he’s good at both of those things.)
I think so much of it is your individual perspective! I view my ability to stay home as the by-product of my husband’s sacrifice to work at a job he mostly likes, NOW, (he’s had some awful jobs in the past) as well as a two-hour commute, so that I can be here.
His career isn’t as rewarding or fulfilling as these articles make a career out to be.
That’s a really important point Heather. There are many men in the same position as your husband. I remember thinking when I was at home that the ideal would be if both of us could work three days a week, but that would have meant two people essentially limiting their overall earning potential and putting any chance of promotion on hold. But I know my husband very much felt the pressure of being the breadwinner. I would love to see more men taking on the stay-at-home duties, but that also involves women being willing to give up the control of the homefront which is easier said than done.
i think control on the home front is written in our D.N.A
It really just should be personal choice.The only things that has really peeved me in this debate (because I’m so over the sexism side it that it just rolls off) is the inference and claim that I’ve seen on some forums that only well off families can afford to have a partner stay at home. I just think that’s rubbish, as you’ve said you did it on a tradie wage. We’ve done it with myself bringing in an Admin wage and my husband staying home/studying and now we are doing it with me at home/studying and him on a grad wage which is a lot less than people think it is.
Staying at home is not a privileged, we sacrifice comforts that others call necessity*, and articles like that are frustrating because they gloss over the reality of choosing to stay at home by only reflecting one demographic.
Anyway I really should get off my soapbox, great post.
*disclaimer I know some people live in places where they have no choice but to work for the bare essentials and I don’t mean to be flippant about how hard that must be.
Very valid point Lila it’s not easy financially to stay at home, and it does come down to your personal choice, and your willingness to make the necessary sacrifices. Thanks for stopping by.
Why does there have to be one way of living that is better than the other? Can’t we just say that everyone makes their choice to suit their own particular circumstances and leave it at that? *sigh* I’m more than a little over this ‘debate’ that seems to keep popping up in the media. It’s becoming boring!
We did the ‘one partner stays at home’ for a long time too (that was me) but I’m looking at rejoining the workforce as my boys are older now. I’ve done a bit of baking here and there over the years but that’s about as ‘retro’ as I get. LOL.
Yes it seems to be a deliberately provocative strategy to pit women against each other. We need to refuse to judge each other and just get on with whatever choice we’ve made.I think SAHM’s in 2013 are vastly different to the 50’s housewife stereotype even if they do bake the odd cake or two!
Great post, Janine! What a muddled mess all this stuff is, isn’t it? I work from home, and today the laundry didn’t get folded and our house is a wreck from a weekend spent too busy doing other things. My husband (Mr. Clean-Genes) is an equal partner in all of our domestic endeavors, but since I’m the one who’s home, well, I feel the guilt when things are left undone. I agree that women are too hard on themselves and each other. There’ve been times I’ve been joyful here and times I’ve been cast low.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but painting our lives in twee pictures, whether of dashing career girls who meet for cocktails after work or mums who bake whole wheat muffins once a week, isn’t it.
Thanks Lauren, “muddled mess” is so right. I keep hoping our children’s generation will benefit from our challenges and figure out a better way to sort this all out!
i had to skim this one, janine, b/c i need to go clean the kitchen, make lunches, and get ready for monday morning. you understand! joy to you!