It’s been a while since we actually went away during the holidays. Firstly, we live in a holiday destination, secondly do you know how much it costs to take a family of four ANYWHERE?

It’s school holidays now and we are doing the trip to visit family on the other side of the State.

That means taking to the highway for a 9 hour trip, in a car long past its use-by date with children who quickly lose their cute factor after 8 1/2 hours of whining.

If you intend to brave the road trip these holidays there’s some important points you need to remember.

1. The anticipation is better than the reality ALWAYS.

2. Bladders are genetically programmed to need to be emptied as soon as you have passed the last rest stop for 150k’s.

3. Following on from point two, girls refuse to wee on the side of road from the age of about three. Instead they complain long and loud of an imminent accident for the entire 150k’s it takes to get to the next rest stop. Then turn up their noses at the state of the public toilet and refuse to go in. By this stage you are beyond caring if they develop severe kidney disease and will not re-mortgage the house for the kidney transplant – because THERE WAS A PERFECTLY WORKABLE TOILET THEY COULD HAVE USED.

4. The homemade muffins, sandwiches, and cake you made for lunch will be eaten and the water bottles drunk  in the first 20k’s of the journey so you will still end up at the servo paying 60 bucks for lukewarm pies, (extra for sauce), water and an assortment of tooth decaying lollies.

5. Technology is a wonderful thing providing even more opportunities for arguments.  I understand even with our pre wi-fi, bluetooth 1995 vehicle there is something I can buy to play the iPod’s through the car stereo? Really? That’s possible? That means we are going to have to work out a roster on whose iPod is plugged in for how long. LIKE I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO ALREADY!

6. Just to screw with my children’s head I have to get some of the mum & dad music on my iPhone so we can force our children to endure a bit of Meatloaf, Hunters & Collectors, ACDC, INXS for at least a few hundred kilometres. ANOTHER THING FOR THE TO DO LIST, THANK YOU TECHNOLOGY.

7. Whether your kids are five or fifteen I Spy is a dull game, but so help me after 2 hours of “I’m bored” you will force everyone play it!

8. No matter how much packing and reminding you did at some point you will end up in the supermarket buying the toothpaste, toothbrushes, underpants, deodorant  or razors that were forgotten.

9. When you decide to break-up the trip with an overnight stopover in a city hotel, the room in the photo on the internet will not be the room you get (that room is just for display purposes). Your view will not be the city skyline but the back-lane behind the pub next-door. But hell there will be some special sights to witness, just not the sort you want to scrapbook about. The children who were arguing about having to share one of the two double beds in the room (from the picture) will now be arguing about who has to sleep on the fold-up bed with the springs that stick in your back (apparently they are all out of rooms with two double beds). The children question why you didn’t book two rooms because $430 for a one-night stopover is perfectly reasonable if you really love your children.

10. After the seemingly endless journey you will work hard to create enjoyable experiences for your children to retain in their memory banks as examples of the family holidays they enjoyed as a youngster. Just be prepared they will refuse to recall the fun stuff, the great moments instead family dinner parties in the future will be full of “when the dog spewed on me on the back seat”, “when mum lost the plot at the dog on the tucker box ’cause we wouldn’t eat the pies she had bought”, “when dad threatened to leave us on the side of the road”.

Enjoy!